Eat My Caviar - How Much

As the day wore on, my stomach felt more and more bloated. Normally, I would have gone straight to the bathroom to relieve myself, but with deliveries piling up and customers in and out, there was just no time. My bowels were becoming a distraction, but every time I tried to pay attention to them, something else demanded my attention. It wasn't until the very last delivery of the day that I finally gave in to my aching need. I couldn't contain it any longer.

I made a beeline for the bathroom, legs shaking from anticipation. I was surprised at how much came out of me - bursts of foul-smelling gas preceded large, heavy turds that fell into the toilet bowl with a satisfying splash. The feeling of relief was immense, but it was short-lived; as soon as one turd was out, another followed, and another. Shit after shit after shit, just kept coming out of me until finally, it seemed to slow down. I wiped my eyes clear of tears, amazed at how much I had just expelled.

At this point, I was tempted to flush, but something held me back. Instead, I decided to take a closer look at my achievement. I lifted up the lid of the toilet and peered down, mesmerized by the sight of all that raw, unadulterated shit staring back up at me. There was so much of it; it formed a mound that reached almost to the rim of the bowl. The color was astounding: a mix of browns and blacks, speckled with what looked like flecks of gold or silver.

In a moment of whimsy, I remembered a story one of my clients had once told me about eating caviar off of human shit. The idea was ludicrous, but something about the image stuck with me. I reached into the toilet bowl and scooped up a handful of my shit, bringing it up to eye level. It was soft and warm, with a slightly slimy texture. As I gazed at it curiously, my stomach rumbled, and I realized that I was hungry. Without thinking, I scooped up a little bit of my shit and popped it into my mouth. My eyes widened in surprise as I tasted something sharp and pungent, like the finest caviar I had ever had.

I savored the taste for a moment before finally succumbing to the texture. I bit down hard, feeling the grit of my shit between my teeth, and then swallowed reflexively. As I sat on the cold, hard floor, I couldn't help but wonder how much more of my caviar was still in the toilet bowl. I reached in again, scooping up handful after handful, letting it fall onto my tongue like sweet, salty raindrops. I ate until my stomach felt full, until I couldn't take any more. And then, finally, I flushed the rest away, watching it swirl down the drain, amazed at the incredible amount of caviar I had just eaten from my own personal shit mine.

As I stood up and brushed myself off, I felt a strange mix of satisfaction and embarrassment wash over me. On one hand, I was proud of what I had just accomplished; on the other hand, I was disgusted by myself for eating my own shit. But then again, maybe those two feelings weren't so different after all. Maybe they were just different sides of the same coin. No matter what I thought about it, one thing was clear: I had a newfound appreciation for caviar, and from now on, I would never look at my shit the same way again.